It's never a good sign when the menu page scares me #Beastmastery
Okay, I can't even get through the credits without cracking up at the EARNEST CLOSEUPS OF ANIMALS #Beastmastery
Ooo, robed people. I bet there's a cult. #Beastmastery
Robed people and STEPS. And...women writhing around an alter? Definitely a cult. #Beastmastery
Oh, Rip Torn, what the fuck are you doing in this? #Beastmastery
Heathen religion! Definitely a cult! Drink! #Beastmastery
Oh, dear god, what did they do to Rip Torn's nose? #Beastmastery
I'm sure there's plot happening when these guys talk, but seriously, who cares? #Beastmastery
SINISTER WOMAN, WITH COW #Beastmastery
What the fuck is up with the cow? Why IS IT IN THE BEDROOM? #Beastmastery
IN THE FUCKING COW? SERIOUSLY? WHAT THE FUCK AM I WATCHING? #Beastmastery
This is one of those movies that induces the use of capslock #Beastmastery
And now they're bringing a donkey into things. This is just wrong. #Beastmastery
Bizarre weapon? Check. Totally inappropriate sound effect? Check #Beastmastery
I will give Beastmaster this: it shits all over Suckerpunch #Beastmastery
Flatmate: I'm sitting right next to you, you can talk. Me: if I do that, I might miss something fucked up #Beastmastery
Really? Dar? We're going with Dar as a protagonists name? #Beastmastery
Flatmate: What is the next step in a man's path to hero-dome. Me: Pants. Please say it's pants. #Beastmastery
Seriously, if we've learnt one thing from Conan, let it be this: kill some wolves, make some damn pants #Beastmastery
You know, if you don't actually swing the sword, old man, the horse is right to run you over #Beastmastery
Okay, that right there? Far more badass than anything Legolas does in the LotR movies. #Beastmastery
I hereby dub Dar the PROTO-ARAGORN #Beastmastery
Okay, so the real Beastmaster is the dog right? 'Cause that dog's, like, Krypto or something #Beastmastery
I see a forest. I predict someone will ride a horse through it soon, just so we know it's a fantasy film #Beastmastery
I'm not opposed to staking people on the ruins of their village, but I am going to ponder the physics of getting them up there #Beastmastery
What? The dog is dead? I call shenanigans #Beastmastery
WEIRD LOG CALISTHENICS #Beastmastery
You know, I was almost on this film's side, then Dar tried to speak Hawk #Beastmastery
Flatmate: FERRETS! FERRETS! FERRETS! #Beastmastery
I think we've discovered the real stars of this movie. #Beastmastery
The fact that they immediately try to kill Dar endears them to me. #Beastmastery.
Ferrets. They drop you in quicksand, then steal your stuff. CAUSE THEY'RE AWESOME #Beastmastery
Dear Ferrets. Thanks for trying to kill me. We be Bro's now. Rock on, Dar #Beastmastery
Scimitar. Weird thrown weapon. Animal companions dying and being replaced. Dar is a 3.0 druid, isn't he? #Beastmastery
Dear panther. I named you, dude, now you gotta die for me. Sucks to be you, Dar. #Beastmastery
Really? You use your power over ferrets to help you check out semi-naked chicks? #Beastmastery
Then use your power over the panther to hook up? What, were you out of roofies? Fuck, Dar, you're a dick. #Beastmastery
I'm having weird That '70's Show flashbacks #Beastmastery
'Cause what this film needed was a kid sidekick. #Beastmastery
Okay, I don't know what's actually happening in this scene, but it's the most interesting thing in the whole film #Beastmastery
EPIC MUSIC! CAUSE THIS TOWN HAS WALLS, YOU FUCKERS! #Beastmastery
Not quite pants, Dar, but we'll take it. #Beastmastery
Children in this movie have a sixty-second survival time #Beastmastery
Flatmate: You've gotta admit, as evil cults go, this one doesn't fuck around. #Beastmastery
Fantasy movies have convinced me that eagles live to kidnap babies #Beastmastery
Not to eat or anything, just to have laying around the nest #Beasmastery
Peasants exist to deliver exposition #Beastmastery
Okay, the eyeball ring is kinda cool #Beastmastery
Oh noes, the panther! #Beastmastery
SO. MUCH. EXPOSITION. #Beastmastery
Okay, John Amos? In my heart, this film is about you, two ferrets, and someone who can actually write a script #Beastmastery
I am a master of beasts! "Excellent, let's implement a plan where your beasts are no help" #Beastmastery
Okay, Tanya Roberts, you win. When we remake this movie with John Amos in the lead, you get to stay #Beastmastery
Oh, seriously? Dar, you're a fucking date rapist. #Beastmastery
you know, for a film that's all about Dar being special for talking to animals, people spend a lot of time talking to animals #Beastmastery
The last time a protagonist felt this creepy, I was reading the Chronicles of Thomas Covenant #Beastmastery
Did they just do an entire set-piece about stealing keys for a door that's already open? #Beastmastery
At least tell the Ferrets they can drop the keys while they RUN FOR THEIR LIVES #Beastmastery
Beastmaster. A film where people can randomly, like, fly and shit #Beastmastery
I really should be assuming Rip Torn's evil is predicated on the fact he spent his childhood being mocked for his nose #Beastmastery
Ferrets. Still the smartest mother-fuckers in this entire film #Beastmastery
Well, except for the fact that they're still following Dar. #Ferrets #Beastmastery
Seriously, Dar, hanging shit on your ferrets for being late *after you sent them off on a useless errand?* Fuck you, Dar. #Beastmastery
Death Guards in this movie remind me far too much of mid-nineties ravers in bondage masks #Beastmastery
Slamming doors is so far, the best tactic in this entire fillm, after "being a ferret" and "being John Amos". #Beastmastery
And suddenly the film goes all King Lear. #Beastmastery
Wait, you massacre a man's entire village and he doesn't shed a tear. Call him a freak who speaks to animals, and he weeps #Beastmastery
I just worked out the family lines, and this film got WAY MORE FUCKED UP than I expected #Beastmastery
Near as we can tell, Kiri is actually Dar's cousin. Although being birthed from a cow may confuse things somewhat #Beastmastery
Ferrets: they'll fuck your shit up. #Beastmastery
We fight! Over burny things! #Beastmastery
Least climactic fight-scene ever. #Beastmastery
Why is the kid wearing less clothes to go into battle? The kid had pants, dammit. He was happy #Beastmastery
BANZAI FERRET! #Beastmastery
In fairness to the film, killing the ferret was the only way I was going to care about a character dying #Beastmastery
You know, once you kill the bad guy, it's traditional to end the fucking movie #Beastmastery
I mean, YOU KILLED A FUCKING FERRET. Was that for nothing? Why am I sitting through another enemy? #Beastmastery
Yep. The kid's dead. This film so isn't kind to the pre-teen. #Beastmastery
Bad guys. The only people in this film who thought "you know? Armor. It's a thing." #Beastmastery
This movie, I swear, the stupider the weapon, the stupider the sound effect #Beastmastery
Every bad guy in this film had it stated in his contract that he wouldn't be killed unless it involved fire #Beastmastery
Hey, it's a deus ex...bat-thingy? Are they nightguants? I kinda want them to be nightgaunts. #Beastmastery
I hate the writer of this piece of shit so bad right now #Beastmastery
Flatmate: I consider this movie a rousing success because it's generated a torrent of tweets. #Beastmastery
And we're done. Or, at least, it should be done. I really don't trust this film to end things right #Beastmastery
BABY FERRETS FTW! #Beastmastery
Next week we live-tweet Krull for #TrashyTuesdayMovie. 'Cause I've still got a few shreds of sanity I wasn't using, apparently #Beastmastery
OMG, someone novelised the film: http://www.mightyape.com.au/product/...-Myth/3443053/ … #Beastmastery
So one of these days we're actually going to live-tweet Beastmaster 2 and 3. I'll need so much to fucking drink those nights #Beastmastery