Because neither rain nor flood nor movies of questionable taste will stop us, tonight's #TrashyTuesdayMovie is Beastmaster 2 #PantherRoofie
Half an hour 'til we #TrashyTuesdayMovie. Tonight: Beastmaster 2. If you want to skip the twitterslaught, mute the #PantherRoofie tag.
[PrimeSarahBlue] Oh hi, Trashy Tuesday. What's that? Watch Beastmaster 2? Okie doo. :D #PantherRoofie
I choose to start the movie...now #PantherRoofie
Ooo, Conan font. And scrolly exposition text. And people riding horses through a forest #PantherRoofie
[Ed. Note: it was a desert, not a forest.  But @petermball maintains we just couldn't see the trees]
Wait: Beastmaster 2 *The Portal Through Time?* This is not going to end well #PantherRoofie
Unfortunately, we spent so much time mocking the text scroll that we missed the contents of the text scroll #PantherRoofie
Now debating whether Mark Singer is actually Mark Singer. Dude got old #PantherRoofie
Ferrets. And so we have worthwhile protagonists #PantherRoofie
[PrimeSarahBlue] Ferrets!! *squee* #PantherRoofie
Mark Singer bears a disturbing resemblance to Lex Luger #PantherRoofie
And I don't need to tell you that the ferrets are *being fucking awesome* #PantherRoofie
The panther's dye job has worn off and it's actually become a tiger this time around #PantherRoofie
[PrimeSarahBlue] They have decided not to kill the tiger from this film by not dying it to look like a panther. #PantherRoofie
Dear bad guy. His name is "Beastmaster." Figuring the vultures will eat his flesh is a piss-poor plan #PantherRoofie
Oh dear, the Beastmaster has an axe #PantherRoofie
Ten minutes and we're already yelling at the TV #PantherRoofie
[tinstargames] I am a little late. There are already lasers, broken physics and laughable plotting. The 80s live. #PantherRoofie
[tinstargames] Ah, the cleavage has arrived. Right on schedule. #PantherRoofie
Random Arrow Shot! #PantherRoofie
Terrible puns following an arrow to the eye #PantherRoofie
The green laser causes the magic, gravity defying fire #PantherRoofie
[PrimeSarahBlue] Lasers and bad puns, I think I'm in love! #PantherRoofie
[tinstargames] The bad guy killed everyone except the PC....#PantherRoofie
Pro tip: naming your big bad Arklon, and giving him the power of the pee, is only going to lead to mocking #PantherRoofie
Seriously, everyone's magic is better than the Beastmasters #PantherRoofie
Chill out, Lord Dude. Lolwhut? #PantherRoofie
From now on, Lord Arklon will be known as Lord Loldude #PantherRoofie
[PrimeSarahBlue] The phrase "chill out, Lord Dude" is a bit of a giveaway as to where the portal leads to.. #PantherRoofie
The adventures of Lord Lolwhut and the Boob Witch #PantherRoofie
If you warn people to go back, then kill them anyway, it's kinda...poor form #PantherRoofie
I'm being attacked by a swamp beast. I shall throw away my sword and punch the shit out of it #PantherRoofie
This pointless exposition is brought to you by a guy in a bad costume with a very hoarse whisper #PantherRoofie
[tinstargames] Twenty five minutes in, a swamp person explains to the main character what's going on, because not even he knows. #PantherRoofie
Dar's great talent is forgetting he's the beastmaster, then getting reminded by complete strangers #PantherRoofie
Oh joy, it's an 80's fantasy nuclear war parable #PantherRoofie
Come, let us discover more about this place you call...LA #PantherRoofie
Oh wow, thirty seconds into the LA side of the movie and the dialogue gets *worse* #PantherRoofie
[tinstargames] And Beastmaster just went from D&D to RIfts. This is not a good thing. #PantherRoofie
[tinstargames] By which I mean, there's a magic door to modern LA. Hair rock cranks up. #PantherRoofie
You know, if they close the portal and make this about two LA cops in fantasyland, it'll be a much better film #PantherRoofie
[tinstargames] Okay, I did not expect the car chase to end in the fantasy universe. But it is LA, these cops get this all the time. #PantherRoofie
Even in fantasy lands, cars randomly explode when attacked by guys with swords #PantherRoofie
[tinstargames] Sports car drives across post-apocalypticc/fantasy landscape. This movie is a fricking album cover. #PantherRoofie
Flatmate: If Dar works true to form, he'll terrify her with a tiger, then try to sleep with her #PantherRoofie
Bonus points if this film stops being about Dar, and starts being about the Tiger's folk musician career #PantherRoofie
[tinstargames] The animals are my friends - Dar keeps his friends in a sack. #PantherRoofie
[tinstargames] The 1980s girl is Tiffany. She even has a guitar. #PantherRoofie
[PrimeSarahBlue] the ferrets are snuggled up under her shirt. He sees through their eyes. #PantherRoofie
[tinstargames] Once again let us ride at the beastmaster on HORSES, for we are dumb. #PantherRoofie.
@tinstargames Except Dar forgot he can talk to horses, again, and let them get away #PantherRoofie
[tinstargames] The witch is in the middle of a desert but she still got a wardrobe change. #PantherRoofie
Movie from 1991: "Rad." Flatmate: This movie was written by really old people, wasn't it? #PantherRoofie
[tinstargames] Lord Arklor and the Neutron Detonator...I love that band. #PantherRoofie
It's hard to make a movie more fucked up than the one where your protagonist is born from a cow, but they've managed #PantherRoofie
[tinstargames] The tiger never fights, because Dar knows he doesn't get a new one if it dies. #PantherRoofie
Ah, the eighties. An entire decade where society realised teenagers were a bad idea #PantherRoofie
[tinstargames] The sassy teen told the dark lord to get some sweet threads. Rad. #PantherRoofie
Watching Dar get tazered is worth the price of admission #DoItAgain #PantherRoofie
[tinstargames] If movies are to be believed, there was a dark lord sighting twice a day in LA during the 80s. #PantherRoofie
It doesn't matter if you're a witch from another dimension, you'll still weaken in the face of couture fashion #PantherRoofie
[tinstargames] Black cop wears a suit. White cop wears a dinner jacket and a bow tie. WTF??? #PantherRoofie
The problem with this film is that no-one really cares if you destroy LA with a laser #PantherRoofie
[tinstargames] At least in the He-Man film the exasperated cop will be the bald headmaster from Back to the Future. #PantherRoofie
Because Dar doesn't understand what broken glass is, it doesn't hurt him when he rolls in it #PantherRoofie
I'm resisting the urge to make erect ferret jokes #PantherRoofie
[PrimeSarahBlue] N'aaw. Dar has learnt the word "asshole", now he just needs to join a hair metal band and this movie is redeemed. #PantherRoofie
[tinstargames] The Beastmaster just drove past a movie theatre showing Beastmaster 2 because IRONY IS DEAD AND WE ARE RAPING THE CORPSE. #PantherRoofie
[tinstargames] She studies music. It all makes sense, she sees guys like Dar every day in metal bands. #PantherRoofie
When escorting a half-naked, extra-dimensional barbarian around LA, always go to "Hat" before you hit "Pants" #PantherRoofie
[tinstargames] Is this movie actually the Tommy Lee origin story? :0 #PantherRoofie
Screw you, highly-trained military guards; your abilities are insignificant against the power of Lord Lolwhut #PantherRoofie
It's amazing how, when a mad barbarian with a laser invades a military installation, they never think "guns." #PantherRoofie
[tinstargames] The US army is running after him and using their fists. This is the future the pro-gun lobby warned us of. #PantherRoofie
Screw Doctor Strangelove and Catch 22, this is the great anti-war film of our age #PantherRoofie
[tinstargames] The boob witch is making fun of the script. Unlike the rest of the cast, she knows what's going on. #PantherRoofie
[tinstargames] Open fire at the naked guy running in fear! The cops are on form, even if the army isn't. #PantherRoofie
Dar is a troubled youth, and he must go and live with his Aunt and Uncle out in Bel-Air #PantherRoofie
I know how to defeat the beastmaster - THE ZOO! #PantherRoofie
[tinstargames] To fight the Beastmaster, the bad guy has gone TO THE ZOO. OH GOD MY MIND. #PantherRoofie
The laser will cut through two cops, but it'll only injure a hawk #PantherRoofie
[tinstargames] The GM needs to keep the PCs together and the tiger is a PC so yeah, you're all at the zoo now I guess. #PantherRoofie
And, you know what, fuck it. The animals are all free #PantherRoofie
[PrimeSarahBlue] I was about to about that I don't want the bad guy in this movie to win, then I remembered Boob Witch #PantherRoofie
[tinstargames] The tiger's PC finally got to make a roll and he took out the wizard's laser. #PantherRoofie
The ending of this film is so fucking Ferret-tastic that I can't even begin to explain in via twitter #PantherRoofie
[tinstargames] THE FERRETS ARE WORKING THE TURNTABLE YOUR ARGUMENT IS INVALID. #PantherRoofie
[tinstargames] Lets see if we can get them to kiss I think the homoerotic subtext just became text. #PantherRoofie
[PrimeSarahBlue] A bomb needs to be defused and the cops are worried about stepping in animal poop. Huh? #PantherRoofie
[tinstargames] We cannot be together, but I am glad I got to stroke your ferrets! #lovestoryfortheages #PantherRoofie
[tinstargames] She kissed a weird barbarian dude and she ended up with ferrets. We all learnt a lesson. #PantherRoofie
Holy shit, the crazy...I can't...I just...#PantherRoofie
[tinstargames] Power ballad finish over the sunset. This is the Top Gun of fantasy films. In a good way. #PantherRoofie
[tinstargames] That was so awesome it almost justified the awfulness of Beastmaster 1. I am shocked. #PantherRoofie
[PrimeSarahBlue] Beastmaster 2, you made it into my Favourite Movies Ever list. #PantherRoofie
I'll leave you with this: Beastmaster 2 is far more entertaining than it has any right to be.
Next week, Masters of the Universe #TrashyTuesdayMovie