Okay, we're about to kick off the House of the Dead retweet. I'm going to do this sober. Pray for me. #FUwe
We choose to star the movie...now #FUwe #TrashyTuesdayMovie
No good comes from a "Boll Productions Film" #FUwe
Okay, dude, you're the least convincing raver ever. #FUwe
Also, why is the Prodigy doing the theme song? Is this even the Prodigy? How did they get the budget for this? #FUwe
My ex. We broke up a few weeks ago so I could study and she could fence. A-huh. Fucking hell #FUwe
Expository voice-over is expository #FUwe
We're less than four minutes into the film and I already want to start drinking. WHY THE FUCK AREN'T I DRINKING? #FUwe
Jurgen Prochnow! #FUwe
Oh, dear god, the dialogue. The portentous, portentous dialogue. #FUwe
Every actor in this film feels like a refuge from a TV disaster movie #FUwe
Random fake-out where Uwe pretends he's innovating zombie piranha, but simply eliminates a secondary character #FUwe
Uwe Boll: so utterly classy that he doesn't bother with a narrative reason for his topless women. #FUwe
I mean, why the fuck are there so many superfluousness topless women in a goddamn zombie film? #FUwe
Worst. Zombies. Ever. #FUwe
Oh Jurgen Prochnow, you do bring a touch of class to an otherwise manky piece of shit film. Only a touch, though #FUwe
And you bring considerably less class to this crap than you did to, say, Wing Commander #FUwe
Hey, look, someone in this zombie movie *has actually seen a zombie movie* and knows to be afraid #FUwe
The vast majority of these characters are too stupid to live. Fortunately, I doubt that'll be a problem #FUwe
Wow, this is like, horror movie 101. All the sexually promiscuous women have been killed off in the opening twenty minutes. #FUwe
Okay, redeeming feature 2: someone actually recognises the evil house AS AN EVIL FUCKING HOUSE. 'Course, they go in anyway #FUwe
Seriously, people, life lesson number one: IF THE HOUSE IS EVIL, DON'T GO IN #FUwe
Okay, I'm calling it. Uwe Boll should be lowered into a vat of rabid weasels for this shit #FUwe
The spooky thing is, every actor in this film looks vaguely like someone a little more famous #FUwe
You know, I don't think shotguns have *that* much kick #FUwe
Dude, that's cold. You girlfriend gets shot, and you're just like, whatever? I don't care if she's a zombie - emote, you fucker #FUwe
Jurgen Prochnow - a man utterly unconcerned with zombie invasions #FUwe
Oh, wait, we're in the middle of a fog-filled forest, surrounded by zombies. Wait, *now* I want to emote #FUwe
Flatmate: I love that they have a sulfurous hot-spring for no apparent reason #FUwe
The zombies in this film don't so much "give chase" as "stare into a camera and open their mouth" #FUwe
So, in reality, do agents of the US Coast Guard really carry high-powered assault rifles on day-to-day jobs? #FUwe
Apparently, in the house of the dead universe, zombies are stronger when they're partially submerged #FUwe
Sepia Tone Flash Back! #FUwe
I object to any film that has both zombies and pirates, but doesn't see pirates fighting zombies #FUwe
All these zombies seem to have inherited their leaping abilities from Mario Brothers Games. #FUwe
Apparently a machete is a superior choice to a shotgun in Jurgen Prochnow's world #FUwe
Naturally, when arming a civilian whose never used a firearm, you make sure they dual-wield their handguns #FUwe
Our heavily armed heroes need to cover 20 meters to make it to the spooky house. This will take 20 mins of film #FUwe
House of the Dead: we couldn't afford bullet time, so we're just pausing shit and spinning the camera #FUwe
Seriously, why is this scene still going? Just get in the fucking house already. You have grenades. #FUwe
You know what? I stand by the hash-tag. Fuck Uwe Boll. Fuck House of the Dead. I'm not drunk enough for this shit #FUwe
Flatmate: This scene is still going 'cause Uwe Boll has no sense of restraint...or pacing. It's his favourite scene #FUwe
Shit, I don't care. Kill them all. Get me bourbon. Just...fuck..dammit...what...aaaaaah....#FUwe
Did we just do that entire scene so they could discover the door was locked? FUCKING UWE BOLL. #FUwe
Liberty! No! You were...well...we knew nothing about you, except that you were Asian and a Patriot #FUwe
Oh fuck. So bad...so bad...so bad. #FUwe
I'm not sure why I haven't yet curled into a foetal ball and retreated into my safe place, but I'm sure that point is coming #FUwe
DEAR PEOPLE: YOU ARE ON THE MIDDLE OF A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE. STOP HITTING ON EACH OTHER #FUwe
Actually, I take it back. Stop emoting when people die. None of you do it well #FUwe
This movie is poorly acted, nonsensical, vaguely sickening in its sexual politics, and generally awful. Still better than Suckerpunch #FUwe
And Jurgen Prochnow gets the moment of the film. Also, he dooms everyone else. Awesome #FUwe
And now we're actually seeing clips from the game being used as FX. #FUwe
Okay, I'm confused. Isn't "I want to be immortal" a self-evident long-term goal? #FUwe
It's not many zombie films that end in, you know , a sword fight. #FUwe
'Course, there's probably a good reason for that. Namely, this is fucking stupid. #FUwe
I hate everyone involved in this film. The director. The actors. Me, for watching it. Everyone. Fucking hell. #FUwe
Although, bonus points, the movie is basically the backstory for the game's bad guy. #FUwe
And, mercifully, we're done with this week's film. I'm going to go weep now. #FUwe