Flatmate is making coffee. The Krull opening screen is taunting us with EXTRA FEATURES #Glaive
I choose to start the movie...now #Glaive
Number of times this movie has made me say "Oh Dear": 1 #Glaive
What in hell is Liam Neeson doing in this turkey? #Glaive
Three minutes in. We're hoping the opening credits will, like, end. #Glaive
You know, I'm fairly sure this movie spawned the Dragon Mountain D&D module #Glaive
So after four minutes of opening credits, we have... EXPOSITION #Glaive
Six minutes into the film; still waiting for something other than exposition and credits #Glaive
Despite the SF rhetoric, there are scenes of people riding horses through forests. Therefore, this is fantasy #Glaive
We're done with exposition, but now we're all about the silly hats #Glaive
You don't see many protagonists with beards these days. #Glaive
In the absence of a silly hat, Lyssa makes do with silly hair #Glaive
OMG, alien warriors. On horses #Glaive
I'll give the weird-ass aliens this - they're more accurate than storm stroopers #Glaive
You know, if you equip your knights with plastic armor, they're probably going to die really easy #Glaive
Thus far, the best protection in this film seems to be a manly beard and leather pants. #Glaive
You still get shot, you just get shot last #Glaive
Death. Fire. Carnage. And yet the pristine white stone of the castle is still pristine #Glaive
Weirdness. Hero has a beard, the wizardly mentor figure doesn't. You fail fantasy facial hair 101 Krull #Glaive
You know, calling your army "slayers" doesn't really give them a lot of options #Glaive
The music says "epic", Colwyn's pants say "embarrassingly lame" #Glaive
Twenty minutes into this film. Nothing has actually happened yet. #Glaive
It's all like: exposite, exposite, exposite; Plot? No thanks, maybe in a bit. I've got a bit more expositing to do. #Glaive
And yet, the music is all like EPIC HAPPENINGS, ALL THE TIME #Glaive
Behold, I have a LAVA STARFISH #Glaive #CouldHaveHadABetterName
Be impressed by my LAVA STARFISH old man. #Glaive
This movie is based on one of those gaming sessions where the GM stalls for time, hoping to think of a plot #Glaive
And so we have Ergo the magnificent. #Glaive
In may ways this is the fantasy version of the Dirty Dozen, if the Dirty Dozen were incredibly lame #Glaive
ZOMG - Liam Neeson & Robbie Coltrane. Bit parts ahoy! #Glaive
Flatmate: You're struggling with Robbie Coltrane, aren't you? Me: Mostly just his facial hair #Glaive
Seriously, taking that moustache seriously is an uphill battle #Grail
Hmm. A seer. Who wants to place a bet on whether there's exposition coming? #Glaive
And lo, the next plot coupon is revealed. From the emerald seer to the emerald temple! #Glaive
Heaven forbid people be allowed to, like, do shit. #Glaive
Robbie Coltrane's mustache steals another scene #Glaive
Oh noes, Robbie Coltrane's mustache is about to disappear into quicksand. #Glaive
Once that goes, all this film will have left is Liam Neeson's accent #Glaive
Worst. Quicksand. Scene. EVER. #Glaive
Obvious trap is obvious #Glaive
Look, some RIDING OF FUCKING HORSES THROUGH SOME FUCKING FOREST. Just in case you forget this was a fantasy film #Glaive
And suddenly we're going to start making a big deal out of the LAVA STARFISH #Glaive
Excuse me, I must brood over my Lava Starfish and try to figure out why it's a plot point we've ignored for forty minutes #Glaive
The problem with Colwyn is that he's just so much prettier than Lyssa. #Glaive
I hereby dub the Widow of the Web the third best thing in this film. Possibly second best, if it beats Liam Neeson's accent #Glaive
Alas, even she cannot stand up to the awesome might of Robbie Coltrane's mustache #Glaive
After fifty minutes of fairly middling shit, we suddenly get 10 minutes of unfiltered AWESOME with the web #Glaive
I would totally watch this film if it was all about Ynyr searching for a vowel in order to be worthy of Lyssa's love #Glaive
Really? Firemares? We haven't had enough horse riding yet? #Glaive
Robbie Coltrane's mustache has a horse. No good will come of this #Glaive
Titch, Rell, Ergo. That's one squicky love triangle. #Glaive
So how does one ride firemares through a forest without, you know, forest fires? #Glaive
I should be drinking. This movie would hurt less if I was drinking #Glaive
AMBUSH! Quick Robbie Coltrane's mustache! Dive for safety! #Glaive
Too late! At least Robbie Coltrane's Mustache gets the second-most poignant death in the film #Glaive
Bandit band turned heroes are running out of redshirts. All we have left are named characters #Glaive
Not Liam Neeson's accent! Not so soon after Robbie Coltrane's mustache, it's not fair #Glaive
Now we're forced to care about characters who, lets face it, kind of suck #Glaive
Ergo, for once, doesn't suck #Glaive
From here I must go on alone THEN WHY DRAG ALL THESE PEOPLE ALONG WITH YOU? #Glaive
After an hour and a half of movie, they finally do something with the lava starfish. Sadly, it's underwelming #Glaive
Poor Bardolf. Unnamed for most of the film, now everyone screams his name at him just 'cause he's going to die #Glaive
It occurs to me that the designer of the glaive has never actually seen a real-life glaive #Glaive
It's not every fantasy dark lord that's played by a moonlighting C'Thulhu #Glaive
Oh noes, my nonsensical fantasy weapon is stuck in the body of my arch-nemesis. This is the suxxors #Glaive
If you're going to make a big deal out of the lava starfish, it should at least be able to kill shit #Glaive
Really? Love is a more powerful weapon than a fucking starfish forged from lava? Screw that shit #Glaive
At the very least you could have let Lyssa be the one to wield the magic flame-thrower of love #Glaive
The beast is a lode-bearing boss who ALSO DISRUPTS THE EFFECTS OF GRAVITY #Glaive
So, that was terrible. And, by terrible, I mean "sweat fucking Jesus, why did I watch that sober" #Glaive
At least it's done now. Join us next week, when we plumb the depths of the fantasy genre with Kull the Conqueror #TrashyTuesdayMovie