I'm just going to point out that the IMDB write-up for this movie makes it sound awesome: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0089893/plotsummary … #notConan
Flatmate: "IMDB lies" #notConan
I choose to start this movie...now #notConan
So we start the film with Sonja's family home being burned down and her family dead. This seems familiar somehow #notConan
So it takes all of two minutes for Red Sonja to cross from "cheeseball" into "problematic from a feminist POV." #notConan
Flatmate: There is one obvious difference - Conan worked to become ultra-tough, Sonja is blessed by a goddess #notConan
It's a good point. Part of me wants to go looking for feminist readings of the Conan/Sonja films. #yesseriously #notConan
And just in case we were confused as to whether or not this was a fantasy film, there are several minutes of horse riding #notConan
The thing that I really like about this film is that the evil artifact draws its power from light. #Kindaawesome #notConan
& while Sonja herself can be viewed as a problematic character, the priesthood full of kick-ass sword-wielding women is kinda cool #notConan
Flatmate: The leader of the bad guys is the least intimidating bad guy ever #notConan
This is a film of extreme headware. Ikol, in particular, is hardcore #notConan
I really, really want another film that's all about Sonja's sister and her adventures #notConan
hey, look, it's Conan #no #wait #totally #notConan
You can tell Arnie isn't playing Conan by the amount of red velvet he's wearing #notConan
I will give the movie this: every location thus far has made be want to run a game of D&D #notConan
15 minutes into the film, Sonja delivers her first line of dialogue #notConan
Conan has the riddle of steel, Sonja has an old bloke with serious headgear and shoulder pads #notConan
I am looking for Red Sonja. "I am Sonja." "Your sister's dying." #notConan shows his sensitive side
Whoever cast Arnold Schwarzenegger and Brigitte Nielsen opposite each other is either brilliant, or terrifying #notConan
In Hyperborian times, "friend" is defined as "random bloke who found me while I was dying." #notConan
Every now and then Arnie forgets he's not meant to be playing Conan and delivers a line in barbarian mode #notConan
You can tell the clouds are evil. They're pink. #notConan
ERNIE REYES JR! #notConan
I will argue this is the finest movie Reyes Jr has been in that did not also involve a ninja turtle #notConan
Great elephant that fertilizes the world with his-- #bestnobletitleever #notConan
You know, it's a bad sign when you can't deliver "Gedron? Queen Gedron?" as convincing dialogue #notConan
Ooooo, the soundtrack went all menace-y #notConan
Dear god, I really do love this film. It's a gloriously trashy epic with bad dialogue and an annoying kid, but it rocks hard #notConan
Pat Roach is on the screen. Thus far, he's the best thing about the film #notConan
I have fought 177 men. Only one survives, and he has no legs. Brytag is awesome #notConan
You know, I enjoyed that poorly choreographed sword fight about 100 times more than the entirety of Suckerpunch #notConan
It's amazing what a difference things like "plot" and "context" and "basic cinematic competence" can make #notConan
So Eddie Reyes gives Sonja the shortcut, she reaches it first, and now Reyes is ahead of her. My question: how, FFS? #notConan
You know, once upon a time I stated up everyone in this movie as D&D characters. I don't regret that #notConan
Flatmate: You're thinking too hard about this film. #notConan
It's not often you see an evil lair with this many candles #notConan
You know you've trained your lackies well when they warn you that 2 people are attacking the outskirts of your kingdom #notConan
And lo, for no apparent reason, we get naked dancing girls in a magic mirror #notConan
Ikol gets the best line in the film. "It's the prince of Havluk, majesty, and his...army." #notConan #ThreeManArmy
If this was an RPG session, the players running Falkon and Tarn would be having the most fun #notConan
Random skeletal bridge #notConan
So Ernie Reyes is, like, ten years old in this. He's acting the main cast off the screen #notConan
Also noteworthy; Prince Tarn is the only character who has character progression throughout the film. #notConan
send forth...THE KILLING MACHINE #notConan
They don't fuck around with naming conventions in this film #notConan
Does no-one notice that the giant pearl is in the mouth of a stone pirahna's mouth? #foreshadowing #notConan
Worst Killing Machine EVER. #notConan
The flatmate and I are debating the logistics of an aquatic killing machine and its whir. #notConan
Poor Sonja - she's allowed to save the kid, but #notConan always has to show up and save her.
Why in hell they didn't just make this the second Conan film and be done with it is beyond me #notConan
I can't kill it, it's a machine! You think? It's only called THE KILLING MACHINE #notConan
So Kalidor has never been in a scene with Tarn and Falkon, yet names them both while fighting a Killing Machine #notConan
You didn't seem to want a man's help, but you needed it... Seriously, #notConan, fuck you. Let Sonja be the hero of her own damn film.
Especially if you're going to stick with the "I can't be with a man unless he beats me in combat" thing #notConan
Nothing says "destined to save the world" like stopping mid-quest to fight each other in the hopes of getting laid #notConan
Holy shit, this floor we're crawling across? Someone tipped it sideways! #notConan
You can tell Kalidor isn't Conan - if he was, he'd spend this scene boasting about the strength of Cimmarian leg muscles #notConan
Flatmate: You've got to give the movie points for the fact that the mad villains 2IC actually says "you're mad." #notConan
Falkan: Comic relief and ALL AROUND BAD-ASS #notConan
Ikol and Tarn get a scene together. Predictably, it's one of the best in the film. #notConan
And now Tarn gets to play the part of Robin the Boy Hostage #notConan
We could have ruled the world together. Um, really? When was that option presented? #notConan
What is it about evil that says the impaled skeletons of your enemies is an inspired interior design choice? #notConan
Evil Overlord Hint: don't glance at your defenseless sorcerer when he's busy defeating the hero. It just gets him beheaded #notConan
Worst. Lava. Ever. #notConan
Hey, look, Gedron was a load bearing bad guy. #notConan
Actually, that should be load bearing bad girl #notConan
Sonja does get to kill Queen Gedron on her own, although it is followed by fifteen minutes of Arnie lifting things. #notConan
I'm on a horse #notConan
Flatmate: Worst Flirtation Ever #notConan
So, on the plus side, Sonja ignores her goddess and falls in love with a man who is, theoretically, her equal? #notConan
Or is the implication here that Kalidor could have beaten her, so therefore she surrenders and the conditions of her vow is met? #notConan
I mean, don't get me wrong, the vow is FUCKED UP BEYOND BELIEF, but there's internal narrative logic to consider here #notConan
Now I'm going to stay up late trying to work out whether the ending is subversive or not. #notConan
Still, the movie's done. It was terrible, yet oddly pleasing and entertaining. A fine trashy Tuesday movie #notConan