Well, twitter, it's 7:30 on a Tuesday night. That means it's time for a Trashy Tuesday Movie. Tonight, Suckerpunch #Suckerpunched
We're two minutes in already. I'm impressed it took Snyder this long to make use slow motion. #Suckerpunched
I missed the introductory voice-over 'cause I was tweeting. What are the odds it was important to the plot? #Suckerpunched
I present the link that will explain everything that is wrong with the opening 5 minutes of this film: http://theabyssgazes.blogspot.com.au...ease-stop.html … #suckerpunched
Seven minutes in and we finally get dialogue. #Suckerpunched
Christ, Snyder doesn't even pretend this isn't one long video clip, does he? #Suckerpunched
We're up to the second sequence of slow-motion action montage backed by music in, what, twelve minutes? #Suckerpunched
Wait, did everyone just become *even more orange*? #Suckerpunched
What? More slow motion with lilting singing backing it? I'm shocked #Suckerpunched.
Hey look, we're going for a new colour scheme in the first dream sequence: Orange and Teal. #Suckerpunched
I feel a strange sense of cognitive dissonance whenever any film that isn't Tank Girl uses Army of Me in the soundtrack #Suckerpunched
Hey look, TEAL SNOW! #Suckerpunched
You will need five items for this journey. #Suckerpunched
Just what I've always wanted, a movie that's all about the plot coupons @Suckerpunched
It takes a special kind talent to make a fight with a giant samurai kind of dull and uninteresting. #Suckerpunch
ENOUGH WITH THE FUCKING SLOW MOTION ALREADY SNYDER. #Fuck #Suckerpunched
This movie isn't entertainingly bad enough to deserve a giant samurai with a chain gun #Suckerpunched
Never kill the load bearing samurai #Suckerpunched
I swear to god, Zack Snyder has never actually seen a movie in his life. He just watches video game cut scenes and anime #Suckerpunched
Occasionally this film allows Abbie Tucker to deliver dialogue. In these moments, it improves #Suckerpunched
There's so little substance to this movie that I can't even hate it properly #Suckerpunched
Orange and teal. More orange and teal. Yet more orange and teal. It's kinda monotonous #Suckerpunched
Ten bucks says we're about to get a scene in slow motion while music plays over the top. Ten bucks. #Suckerpunched
Holy shit, was that red? I could have sworn I just saw a flash of red. #Suckerpunched
Seriously, how do you attractive women beating up undead Nazi's this uninteresting? #Suckerpunched
Flatmate: Everything collapses in this movie #Suckerpunched
Action, without emotion and context, is a fundamentally empty thing to watch #Suckerpunched
I'm trying to figure out who I'm meant to empathize with in this film, and I'm at a loss #Suckerpunched
I think it's meant to be Babydoll, but there's so little to her. There's a cliched set-up and then she escapes into fantasy #Suckerpunched
More orange people. It's like the mental asylum is just handing out fake tan to inmates and staff #Suckerpunched
Thus far, the minutes spent on dialogue vs soundtrack is about 1:100 #Suckerpunched
Apparently we're an hour in at this point. NOTHING OF SUBSTANCE HAS HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE #Suckerpunched
Just for a change, the colour pallet in this fantasy world is...ORANGE AND FUCKING TEAL #Suckerpunched
I have hit the point where all I want to do is chant FUCK YOU ZACK SNYDER, FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU #Suckerpunched
oh fucking Jesus, I just don't care anymore. It's all orange and fucking teal and NOTHING FUCKING HAPPENS. #Suckerpunched
Although this dragon looks suspiciously like something out of a Dungeons and Dragons monster manual #Suckerpunched
I swear to god, I have to watch Babydoll draw that fucking katana one more time, I'm going to hunt Zack Snyder for sport #Suckerpunched
FUCK YOU ZACK SNYDER. YOU CAN'T EVEN CREATE NARRATIVE TENSION WITH A FUCKING DRAGON #Suckerpunched
I'm now ignoring this film and spending the rest of this live-tweet thinking up ways to punish Snyder for this movie #Suckerpunched
1: Dropped in a vat of piranha, who eat him slow motion while Army of Me plays over the action. #Suckerpunched
2: Getting kicked in the nuts, repeatedly, by film-makers who actually have talent #Suckerpunched
3: Being left to starve after having both legs crushed by a tank #Suckerpunched
4: Fatal katana accident. #Suckerpunched
5: beaten to death by angry Watchman fans wearing brass knuckles #Suckerpunched
6: After being deafened by a thousand idiots screaming "This is Sparta" at high volume #Suckerpunched
7: Rampaging hippos. #Suckerpunched.
8: Accidentally stumbling over a plot in his next film and going into anaphylactic shock #Suckerpunched
'Cause, honestly, does anyone really believe that Snyder isn't seriously allergic to plot at this point #Suckerpunched
My flatmate argues the flaw of this film is that the plan hangs off Babydoll's sexiness, and she isn't sexy #Suckerpunched
9: Helicopter crash #Suckerpunch
10: Getting sued for all the time people have wasted in his film, and having to give up all those hours at once #Suckerpunched
There are good trashy films, & there are bad trashy films, then there is Conan '11, & then there is this fucking pile of shit #Suckerpunched
'Cause what this film needed was another fucking slow-motions action sequence. #Suckerpunched
It's not even like I have a problem with films that are all action - Desparado is fucking brilliant, despite its lack of plot #suckerpunched
Flatmate: I argued the lack of sexiness was A flaw, not THE flaw. #Suckerpunched
I think a character just died, but I can't be sure and the film has gone out of its way to make sure I don't really care #Suckerpunched
Jesus, even the fucking explosions are Orange and Teal #Suckerpunched
Hey, look, plot. Well, guess what, ITS TOO FUCKING LATE. I DON'T FUCKING CARE #Suckerpunched
I don't even have the energy to hate this movie. It's worn me down with its unrelenting emptiness #Suckerpunched
I mean, I'm still pissed off that it hasn't yet ended yet, but it's a mild kind of hate. #Suckerpunched
No, wait, I spoke too soon. It strove for a final moment of plot, and now I'm angry again.
Thank you, Zack Snyder, you incompetent fucking ass, for making me sit through two hours of dreck... (1/2) #Suckerpunched
...where the protagonist isn't even the FUCKING PROTAGONIST (2/2) #Suckerpunched
How in hell did anyone think there needed to be a directors cut of this film? #Suckerpunched
Actually, shit, how did anyone think we needed this film to be made? #Suckerpunched
Brilliant. In the final fifteen minutes, the film finally converted me from vague apathy to being outright fucking angry #Suckerpunched
I remain convinced that Zack Snyder is a blight on humanity that should be cleansed for the good of the species. #Suckerpunched
But now, blessedly, the fucking film is over. Thanks for joining me on that one twitter #Suckerpunched
Next week the Trashy Tuesday Movie will be the sword-and-sorcery classic Red Sonja. I'm guessing there will be less swearing. #suckerpunched
Incidentally, Zack Snyder is now joining Michael Bey on the Trashy Tuesday Movie blacklist. #suckerpunched